Post by Bret Walker on May 6, 2002 11:34:29 GMT -5
Full article can be found at theonion.com
God Re-floods Middle East
JERUSALEM—In what theological and meteorological authorities are calling "a wrathful display of Old Testament proportions," the Lord Almighty re-flooded the Middle East Tuesday, making good on last week's threat to wipe the region clean if there was not an immediate halt to the bloodshed between Arabs and Jews.
Above: A 200-foot wave bears down on Palestinians clashing with Israeli soldiers in the West Bank town of Hebron.
The Lord made the decision to go ahead with His second Great Flood after last-ditch U.S.-Saudi peace initiatives were rejected Monday night.
"The Lord thy God has warned you and warned you, but you have, in your hatred and selfishness, chosen to turn away from Him," read a press statement from God, delivered by seraphim and cherubim acting as His earthly agents. "Prepare now to face His wrath and be drowned beneath the cleansing waters of His righteous rage. Children of Israel and Palestine, you who would not repent your sinful ways and live together as God's children, prepare to face your doom under the unstoppable deluge of the Lord's retribution."
As of press time, a torrential rain continues to fall on Israel and the West Bank, with the downpour expected to continue for another 39 days and 39 nights. Thus far, flood waters have risen more than 200 feet, drowning most of the humans and animals in the vicinity. The few remaining survivors, most of whom cling to pieces of driftwood, have made desperate pleas for mercy, but their cries have fallen on deaf ears in Heaven, with the Lord refusing to stem the raging waters.
Though regretful over the severity of God's punishment, Mideast peace negotiators nonetheless praised Him for coming up with the first-ever viable solution to the ongoing crisis.
God Re-floods Middle East
JERUSALEM—In what theological and meteorological authorities are calling "a wrathful display of Old Testament proportions," the Lord Almighty re-flooded the Middle East Tuesday, making good on last week's threat to wipe the region clean if there was not an immediate halt to the bloodshed between Arabs and Jews.
Above: A 200-foot wave bears down on Palestinians clashing with Israeli soldiers in the West Bank town of Hebron.
The Lord made the decision to go ahead with His second Great Flood after last-ditch U.S.-Saudi peace initiatives were rejected Monday night.
"The Lord thy God has warned you and warned you, but you have, in your hatred and selfishness, chosen to turn away from Him," read a press statement from God, delivered by seraphim and cherubim acting as His earthly agents. "Prepare now to face His wrath and be drowned beneath the cleansing waters of His righteous rage. Children of Israel and Palestine, you who would not repent your sinful ways and live together as God's children, prepare to face your doom under the unstoppable deluge of the Lord's retribution."
As of press time, a torrential rain continues to fall on Israel and the West Bank, with the downpour expected to continue for another 39 days and 39 nights. Thus far, flood waters have risen more than 200 feet, drowning most of the humans and animals in the vicinity. The few remaining survivors, most of whom cling to pieces of driftwood, have made desperate pleas for mercy, but their cries have fallen on deaf ears in Heaven, with the Lord refusing to stem the raging waters.
Though regretful over the severity of God's punishment, Mideast peace negotiators nonetheless praised Him for coming up with the first-ever viable solution to the ongoing crisis.
